Autoethnography

What is I?

Autoethnography. What a big, huge, scary word. Great, I am intimidated by a word. Well, the only logical thing to do is to research it. I did research this word and perhaps became more confused by the definitions I read online. Every article on Google had turned purple meaning I had clicked on it. It wasn’t until I read several different examples that I started to understand what it truly meant. So for my final paper I need to write about who I am as a person and as a writer. I have to answer the question that has been stuck in my mind since Marlen put it there. What is I?

I have decided to explore this question through the five senses and through many different pieces of writing. Over this past semester I have learned a lot about myself when it comes to writing. I have developed a process an order of things that seems to fit. First, Pre-writing, then getting all of my ideas down, and then actually assembling the paper hoping that it will come together. I spent hours on these essays. I would type and then delete and reword it and then type it again. I would read it out loud over and over catching mistakes every time. When I would look at the finished draft I would consider changing it all. I would contemplate if it was good enough to get me the A I truly needed. By the end what I would have discovered is that each paper has to be more than just a paper to me. Each paper that I have written has a piece of me in them. It has more than just my words and writing. It has a small part of who I am as a person, as a writer, and who I will be in the future. But with each paper I wrote and each word I typed the more soul searching I had to do to become invested in it and to make it the best that I can.

I have always loved to write so the act of doing it was nothing. Writing is one of my passions that I have in this world. However, this writing was different. I wasn’t just writing for me or for fun, but for a grade, for credits, for college. Whoa…take a deep breath Devin. Try not to panic. I had to keep saying these two phrases to myself to even begin to write. When it is just writing for me I wasn’t worried at all. But the minute you tell me it is for a grade I get a panic attack and freak out because I feel like suddenly my writing isn’t good enough. Luckily this English class has helped me to stop worrying about that and to just combine the two and write well in both aspects. To be able to unlock this talent I had to really do the work we were given in class and really understand the ability I have as a writer. To write this paper I have looked back at my first blog entry and all of my papers. I see growth in myself as a writer, but I still love my first blog entry, what is says about the question, and what it says about me. I began to answer the question What is I? through that entry and I will use this paper to finish answering it. I can only say that I have discovered the answer to this question through each blog entry and each paper that I have written and I will include each of those senses that helped me to answer this question.

The following quote is from my first piece of writing, the narrative paper. This is the excerpt dealing with our first sense which is taste. As you will be able to see from the quote writing in the narrative style comes naturally.

I remember sitting in my high school café eating. All food had lost its taste and therefore its interest to me. I can recall just pushing the gray colored food around my tray. The café food at my school was the pits and it was only getting worse. I had the choice between brownish salads, gray chicken patties, and questionable pizza because I refused to touch their hot meal of the day. This was to be my life now. I would be boring, lost, and never the same.

-If I Should Die Before I wake-

I really love this quote because it shows my ability to paint a picture through my writing. I have always loved creative writing and I have always enjoyed writing in the narrative genre so I was glad that I was able to do that here. From this quote I had hoped that my audience got a clear image of me sitting there and doing that. Taste is a huge sense to me because I love to cook, eat good food, and try new types of cuisine. So I really wanted to take this quote to the extreme of bad food taste and almost leave a bad taste in the readers mouth. With a narrative it is easy to work in any sense so I was happy to be able to include this.

I’ll never forget the first day in Marlen’s class. Wow, was I going to be super busy and doing a whole lot of writing that I didn’t think I was ready for. I was going to be challenged as a writer and a person, that much was clear. So how was I going to go about handling all of this? I remember sitting down at my computer to write my first paper, a narrative. The stakes were high and I definitely wanted to make a good impression. I knew exactly what I wanted to write about, but the blank page was really intimidating me. Why couldn’t I think of anything to write? Why was I so worried about it being bad? I could not let this paper win over me. I had the answer to my problems. I would open up a blog entry and start writing in there to fool my mind into thinking that it was just another entry. I didn’t have to worry about the pressure because I was just writing what came to my mind for this story. What is happening? This is totally working. The ideas just started to flow and there was no way to stop them. I wrote all of my first paper this way and then copied and pasted into a Word Document. Successful! I was more than happy to read over this essay and look for mistakes. For the first time in my life I felt like I wrote a paper that wasn’t a total piece of crap. I actually wanted to turn this paper in. That has never happened before. I loved that feeling and I never wanted it to go away. Without even realizing it I have already discovered on thing that makes me up and helps to answer the question What is I?. I am a writer.

This next quote is from my second piece of writing which I wrote in the style of an advice column. This entire paper was a struggle for me yet I think I have an almost lyrical way when I write pieces like this. Enjoy!

It is called Guess How Much I Love You and is written by the talented Sam McBratney. It is a heartwarming tale of a parent rabbit and their child. The charming story is a battle of just how much the two love each other, each comparison bigger than the last. It is the perfect book to read as a nighttime story and will most definitely leave you and your child with a warm and fuzzy feeling.

-What Pet is Right for My Kid?-

This paper was on the sense of sight. Sight was harder for me because I did not want to do what everyone expected. I didn’t want to write a paper about things that I could see. I wanted to help my audience be able to see through my writing. This was a challenge for me, but it pushed me to really work as hard as I could to make everything flow well.

With a good feeling and some confidence with my first paper under my belt I was sure that the second one was going to be easier. Man, was I ever wrong. The second paper was harder for me. Why? I did choose a very interesting genre that I don’t think a lot of people were going to write in. I just felt like there were so many components to this second paper for me to incorporate into one four to five page paper. I spent days stalling because I could just not think of a good way to start this paper. I looked online for ideas of how it should be worded and those helped, but it wasn’t enough to really get me rolling. Finally, I just started writing and hoped that later I could piece it together and that it would all make sense. Well essentially that is what I ended up doing. When I first read the completed, but by no means finished, paper I had so many things that I did not like about it. I went through hand drew arrows all over the place. I changed wording and eliminated entire paragraphs. That was the most editing I had done on my own work, ever, but it need to be done. I handed in my second paper with the worry and thought that it was not good. I struggled with this paper and I was sure it wasn’t an A paper like my last one. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that it was indeed an A paper. With this paper I learned yet another thing about myself and got one step closer to answering What is I?. I am too hard on myself.

I really love this next quote. This is from my infomercial dealing with the sense of smell. For this paper I created a product and then advertised for it in the form of an infomercial. I played off of all of the traditional infomercials and all of their wording so it would be funny and realistic.

Tired of that stinky, gross, and consistent odor from your pets? When you have pets it is hard to keep your home and your carpet fresh and clean. It can be a pain training animals and cleaning up after them. That is why I bring to you, the struggling consumer, the Scenty line of products. Once you try the Scenty line you will be relieved that things smell so fresh, calm because there are no bad odors, and glad that you found Scenty.

-The Best Smelling Solution Ever-

Obviously this sense was smell as you can tell from just the title of my product. Incorporating the sense of smell into this essay was beyond easy. I chose to centralize around that when in other essays I chose to take a less direct approach. I enjoyed writing this entire piece and I think that is evident from just reading the above quote.

By the third paper I was starting to gain confidence in myself and to get the hang of it. I could definitely tell that I was improving and pulling my personal experiences into my papers with two out of two times helped me. So I thought, on to the next! I really enjoyed writing the third paper because I decided to step out of the box and get creative. I wrote in the style of a persuasive infomercial. I was trying, at this point, to challenge myself and to see just how far I can stretch my ability. Through this process alone I learned so much about who I am. I never thought I was good at anything other than theatre before I started challenging myself and seeing what I can really do. I was also very fortunate to have a sister that is such an amazingly talented writer and a great inspiration to me, but I will get to that later. I enjoyed every minute of creating this infomercial paper. I added my own voice in a different and fun way. Needless to say this one screamed yet a different answer to the question that was in my head. I am a creative person.

This next quote is from my fourth piece of writing for this class. I wrote about the sense of touch in the less obvious way. I decide to make and informational pamphlet about event planning. This quote is from the introduction of that paper.

He has popped the question. She is turning 100 years old. They are celebrating 50 years together. All of these events certainly call for a gathering with friends and family to celebrate, but where to begin? With a little advice and some step by step instructions anyone can create the perfect event no matter what the celebration.

-How To Add The Perfect Touch-

I really got creative and stepped out of the box on this one. I love to plan events and to add really creative touches. I wrote this pamphlet in the form of a “How To” article. I have never written this way before so I was really looking forward to it. I didn’t know how to approach the sense of touch at first. But then I decided to address it indirectly and take an interesting approach.

This paper was not too much of a struggle for me. I really did a lot of research and read many articles about event planning. There are so many different components that I needed to incorporate into this paper because of the volume of information. I wanted to approach this in the form of steps. So I started with the most basic of the idea and then as each step went on I added detail and more information. It was fun and helped me to be creative and write in a brand new style. I try to continue to challenge myself as a writer and to learn from the piece before. I tried to write is as an informational brochure would be written and to use some terms to kind of sell you on the idea. I discovered two things about myself through this piece of writing. I am thoughtful and I think uniquely.

The next quote is from my final paper. I really enjoyed writing in the narrative style as I have stated earlier. Instead of writing another narrative I have decided to write it in the style of a diary entry. I really like this quote because it is a great introduction to the entire paper. It is a very different genre and I really enjoyed writing this way.

Can I tell you something that I have never told anyone before? I feel like I know people that I don’t know. I have never met these people, but yet it feels like I have for my entire life. I sometimes hear voices of these people. I don’t mean that I am crazy and I am hearing voices telling me to do stuff. But I am hearing voices that are telling me things. They are telling me things about a few of my best friends. And then of course I tell them because well I think she should know. When I say each of these things they look at me in disbelief that I could and would possibly know all of this.

-Dear Diary-

This quote really shows the sense of hearing. I hope the reader gets a good idea of what my paper will be like from this excerpt. I wanted people to think that Hattie the main character was a little crazy by using the phrase “I’m hearing voices”. I wanted to be a little bit more literal with this sense. However I think I take and interesting spin on things with the mental aspects of things.

With this paper I really wanted to get personal. I love reading entire books written in the style of a diary entry because it is something different to read. I felt as though I had so much freedom with this topic and this genre that I really enjoyed writing it. I wanted to show the reader a very personal side of Hattie our leading lady. It is a very vulnerable type of genre and many secrets could be revealed. I believe that I really pushed my creative limits with this piece. I plan on continuing this piece just to write for my own enjoyment. Now I know that I am able to create a character and help them to be personal.

I have taken some time and looked back through my blog entries. I can actually see my growth as a writer. I love that we started trying to answer one deep question and unknowingly have spent the entire semester searching for the answer. I can see the qualities in myself slowly coming to the surface through my posted writing. I have enjoyed reading the in class timed entries. They really pushed me as a writer and to be more creative. I know that I have captured that creative essence in each paper. I remember Marlen telling the class how important it is to have our voice come through in each piece of our writing. I never had thought of that before he said it. The blog entries helped me to find my voice and to continue to express it.

This semester has been a struggle for me in more ways than one. However, doing all of this writing has really helped me to see that I do have good qualities as a person. Coming into this class I was not confident in my writing at all, but with all of the blog entries and help from people in my life I feel differently now. My sister, Kari, is a very talented writer and reporter. She graduated from IUP last May and will be finished with her masters in journalism in June of this year. I have watched her write over the past few years and I know that I have picked up several things from her. When I would find myself struggling with a paper or getting started I would think of her. She has continued to inspire me as a writer and as a person. I look up to her and I love her with all of my heart. Kari is a hard worker and her writing is great. I loved to call her and tell her that latest from my class and my writing. After reading some articles that she has written and how she defines her voice it was easy for me to find mine. She is such a strong individual and has had a huge influence on my life and my writing. For that I am so grateful.

When asked to contemplate the question What is I? I think of what I have learned through my writing and through my family. My friends, family, writing, and life have all made me the person that I am today. It is through this paper that I have had to face my strong and weak points as a writer and as a person. Before this class I had every reason to think that I was not a talented person or capable of doing something well academically. It is through the exploration of the question What is I? that I have begun to see myself in a new light. I see now I do have some talent and potential to be a good writer. I can only describe life and it’s experiences as this. Each person is really small pieces of everyone they have ever met. When we meet important people in our lives we take a small part of them with us without even knowing it. In just 12 short weeks I have come full circle as a writer. I came in afraid, insecure, and not confident. Now with the help of Marlen, my sister, and my writing I am able to leave knowing that I am so much more than that. Now when someone asks me to describe myself I can just think back to this experience and tell them everything.

Before:

I am a little scared to write this paper. I am a little uneasy about what it means and how to begin. I do have a game plan with it comes to writing the actual paper. I plan on having an introduction and then a quote from my first piece of writing. After the quote I will talk about what it was like for me to write that specific paper. If it was a struggle then I will say so and explain why. If it was easy then I will explain why it was easier for me. I am a little worried about being able to make it ten pages, but I will do my best.

After:

Well, I am happy with the end result. I expected it to be much worse, but it turned out pretty well. I ended up loving the format I chose to talk about in my paper. I liked relating the senses to each paper. I also loved writing about the answer to the question What is I?. I was really able to discover that there are good qualities to me and that I do have something to offer as a writer. With some editing and reworking of sentences I believe I can make this even better. I am happy to see that getting to ten pages was even easier that I thought it would be. Though I struggled with getting started things really started to fall into place with the longer I wrote.