Essay Number 1- Narrative

Devin Andren
Marlen Harrison
College Writing
26 January 2009
If I should die before I wake
Struggle. The word struggle is an action verb meaning repeated action, repeated work cycle and difficulty with someone or something. That one word can sum up my entire life and all of the people and situations involved. No, I have not been ostracized by my parents and had to live on the streets and beg for money. No, I have not been beaten and raped and thus emotionally and physically scarred forever. No, none of those things have ever happened to me and I doubt ever will, yet my life is a struggle. Perhaps I have been living my life in the world of romantic comedies, in a dream land. Most stories do not have a happy ending and most do not leave the average person with a warm and fuzzy feeling. How can I, a teen at the beginning of my journey through life, navigate this world without my mother?
Excuse me for not introducing myself; I seem to have left my manors with my self-esteem at the last rest stop on this crazy journey. My name is Sydney Leigh Wallace and I am 18 years of age. I have, surprisingly, graduated from high school, though I never thought it would end. I attend a state college now and I am currently studying to be a theater major. My life the past year and a half has not been easy, but right before my world came crashing down I was happy for a time. It was my junior year in high school and everything seemed to be going my way. I was happy. I mean honest-to-God-happy. The kind of happiness where I would smile for no reason and look forward to each day. I would begin as if I had the entire world as my playground and the possibilities were endless. Yes, me, the person who believes she will end up unhappy and alone caught a glimpse of what the other half must live like…and it was good.
I have been given a rather interesting assignment for my first college level English class. I need to write about an event or chain of events that have taught me an important life lesson. This is supposed to be what we have learned during our lives. Being the young adults that we are, there are not many experiences that have already changed our lives in a profound way. However, as soon as my professor, Dr. Wiley, told my class of the assignment I knew exactly what event I was going to write about and the life lessons it has taught me.
There it was, in front of all the others with a light from heaven shining down upon it. Alas, I had finally found the latest Gucci purse in my favorite store. As I stood there nearly bowing in its glory a single tear ran down my cheek and I lightly brushed it away with my finger. I knew at that very moment that I had indeed found happiness. I am just kidding, but I bet I had you going there. The latest Gucci purse, that I could not afford, was not what made my world when I was a junior in high school. Being that I have previously stated that I am a theater major it is probably a no-brainer that I was rather involved with my theater program in high school. When I was a freshman I was so close to getting a lead role that I could taste it. However, one of the senior girls got the part over me because she had more experience. But I kept trying and finally when I was a junior and it was audition time I was ready. I can remember being a nervous wreck while waiting for the results to be posted on the quark board outside the choir room. Then, as if from nowhere, the paper appeared. I closed my eyes and took two steps toward the list, towards the single piece of paper that held my happiness and fate. Timidly, I opened my eyes and looked to the chorus list. I ran my finger down the paper revealing one name after the other and before I knew it I was at the end of the list. The worst had happened. My name was not on that list! Just then the girl behind me patted me on the back and said, “Congrats, Sydney!” “Congratulations on what?” I asked in a confused tone. She smiled and said, “On getting a lead!” She looked at me and I looked at her. After a moment of silence I turned to the board and looked at the list of lead roles and sure enough there was my name. By the time I had convinced myself that I was not dreaming I turned around to thank her, but she had left.
This was just the beginning of things that went my way as the year progressed. The mood changed when I returned home from rehearsal on a Saturday in February. Both of my parents were there in the kitchen and after hearing the latest from musical practice they said the words that no one wants to hear: “Sydney, we need to talk to you.” Immediately I thought through my actions from the past few days trying to find something I had done wrong or a mistake I had made that they discovered. We went into our family room and as we sat down my dad turned off the TV. This was yet another bad sign. I asked my parents if I had done anything wrong and I was happy when my mom looked at me lovingly and said, “not at all.” I breathed a sigh of relief, but only until my mom began to speak again. She said that she went to the doctors and had a few tests run because she had not been quite herself lately. The next thing out of her mouth I will never forget. She said that the doctors had discovered a rather aggressive cancer. I would love to say what happened next, but to be honest I do not remember. The week that followed that conversation was a complete blur.
From that moment on my life had changed forever and I would never be the same. How would I continue with my life and with my everyday struggles? Little did I know that this was just the beginning of bad news and the beginning of those talks. During the next months I tried to accept the news I had heard on that day in February. Before I knew it my junior year had come to an end and summer was before me. I got my first job, did some community theater, and was there to help my mom whenever she needed it. It seemed as though I blinked and it was the beginning of the school year and I was a senior. My mom started getting worse with each day that passed and I got more worried. At the end of September my mom was admitted to the hospital and from then on my family and I spent many nights there. On October 15th we got more bad news and found out that my mom was terminal. From there on out my life was a confusing mess. I just went through the motions of school and life without really experiencing or remembering anything that happened. Then the worst of all things happened. On November 5th, 2007 my mother pasted away in the hospital with her two daughters and her husband by her side. My world had come crashing down and there was nothing I could do to pick up the pieces.
I remember sitting in my high school café eating. All food had lost its taste and therefore its interest to me. I can recall just pushing the gray colored food around my tray. The café food at my school was the pits and it was only getting worse. I had the choice between brownish salads, gray chicken patties, and questionable pizza because I refused to touch their hot meal of the day. This was to be my life now. I would be boring, lost, and never the same.
So I have been wondering this world feeling all alone because I have lost my mother who was also my best friend. I was lying in bed the other night and as I closed my eyes I was thinking of everything that I wanted to do in this world. I know the amazing accomplishments of my mother and so do many others. However, if I were to die before I wake how would I be able to tell those close to me what I had offered and intended to offer to this world? Without another thought I rose from my bed and sat down at my computer and began working on my English. This paper, which at first just seemed to be another assignment, has helped me to realize just how much I have grown and learned during the past year and a half.
How do I tell this world all that I have inside before my time here is up? Yes, I hate God for what He has done to me yet I know that He must have a plan. Yes, it has made my life more of a struggle and each day a challenge. Yes, all that I have said is true, but I will not give up hope. I have always heard people say that everything happens for a reason and I have been searching since the day she died for the answer. Life. Life is a noun and an adjective meaning a living being and their period of existence and activity. This one word can describe who I am now and who I shall be in the future. Through the death of my mother I have learned all the value that there is in a human life and all I must to do to live mine to the fullest.